Harry Potter and The Stone That Did Absoulutely Nothing, a parody
by redskywalker29
Summary: A parody of Harry Potter. In which Mrs. Dursley is a stalker and Mr. Dursley is biased and Dumbledore has a bit of a bird obsession.


Chapter One- Dumbledore Entrusts The Care of Harry to a Bunch of Idiots

**Hello there. I'm redskywalker29 and this is my first fan fiction. I wrote this for school so it will probably be really bad but why waste a story? I'm probably not going to write more anytime soon but I hope you enjoy this fan fiction despite it's rocky start. I pretty much messed up in the first half hour because I am not familiar with the websites interface but hopefully I can correct the terrible grammar. I hope you enjoy this parody. Harry please do the disclaimer. **

**"Whaaa,"**

**"... Oops, I forgot he still is a child so Dumbledore will do the disclaimer."**

**Dumbledore walks in.**

**"redskywalker29 does not own Harry Potter in any shape or form in any world or alternate reality. If he did the series would probably be terrible." He says then walks off.  
**

**"Well that's a great word of confidence, but anyway I hope you enjoy the story." **

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley were proud to say that they were perfectly normal thank you very much.

While they said that they usually behaved like a bunch of idiotic trolls showing behavior that may have been acceptable in the Middle Ages or 18th century London but now were considered the act of barbarians nowadays.

Of course they only behaved this way to the poor or peoples who were different to their standards of life so they maintained the cover that they were normal respectable people who hated things that didn't exist like magic or a non discriminating perfect government.

Mr. Dursley was the director of a company named Grunnings that made drills.

This was another example of their abnormality as no companies in the entire country of Britain made nothing but drills choosing to make a bunch of different tools but of course no one noticed or cared.

Mr. Dursley was a somewhat large man particularly in the stomach and everything about him including his abnormally large mustache was big.

That is everything but his brain.

Mrs. Dursley was the complete opposite of him in appearance being unnaturally skinny like some crazed weight loser like on the popular American TV show "The Biggest Loser" gone to far and a person with a very large neck which came in useful for when she was stalking her neighbors like a crazy maniac.

The Dursleys had a small son named Dudley and had everything their (sadly lacking) imaginations ever wanted but they lived in constant fear of two things.

The first thing they feared was that someone would find about the Potters and ruining their social status. Mrs. Potter was related to them on her sister's (Mrs. Dursley) side and as far as she was concerned wasn't related to them at all.

The Potters were completely opposite of the personalities of the dursleys being kind if not a bit weird but to the Dursleys they were very weird and the opposite of normal not stalking their neighbors and informing on them to the authorities.

If the neighbors saw that the Potter's were (distantly) connected with the Dursley's it was their believe that their social status would irreversibly harmed by this.

Additionally the potter's had a small son and the Dursley's believed that if Dudley met the child a boy of the name of Harley or Harold or Sagittarius or something like that their abnormality would rub off on him.

The second thing they feared was being robbed by ten-foot giants and eaten by cannibalistic clowns but that was hardly going to happen so they mostly feared the former.

The day their lives changed started off completely non suspicious to them whatsoever and gave no clue on how completely random and unpredictably magical things would soon be happening around the entire country.

The day began as normal with Dudley throwing multiple tantrums and Mr. Dursley picking out his blandest outfit available which meant anyone of them as it was considered queer in the Dursley's eyes to have anything brighter or darker than gray the most blandest of all colors.

"Morning Daffodil," Mr. Dursley said as he came down to the table to eat breakfast. As he ate his usual breakfast of 5 biscuits a bowl of porridge and four pieces of toast he listened to gossip about who she would stalk next and inform on. None of them noticed the owl that came down on their driveway and started tap dancing.

At 3 quarters past eight and thirty three seconds Mr. Dursley got up and left for work. As he rode his car down the driveway he finally noticed something queer going on in the otherwise boring and standard day.

It was a cat reading what looked like two books "Atlas Shrugged" and "Newton's thesis on the absolute certainty of magic existing in the world" A book shunned as it stated the existence of wizards and witches in the world that all went to schools hidden in castles a completely ridiculous book by all means it then went on to state that the witches and wizards used magic wands to cast magic.

Mr. Dursley slammed down on the brakes and whipped his hand out to stare at the cat. The books were now gone and it was reading the sign saying Private Citizen's Drive. No looking at the sign it was obviously a trick of the light cats couldn't read.

"Shoo cat go away," yelled as he continued on his way. He glanced back the cat was staring at him now. He drove away.

The cat continued staring at the disappearing car then let out something that sounded like a snort. Then the cat went back to reading deeply philosophical books. Mr. Dursley continued on his way as normal but couldn't help feel a bit shaken as he was seeing things which constituted a far worse thing than cats reading books. He shook his mind off the cat and focused it on drills as he was hoping some naive fool woul- I mean valued customer would buy a large number of drills today.

At midtown however drills were driven out of his mind as he was stuck in a three hour traffic jam. "Move on come on now would you!" Mr. Dursley yelled at the barely moving traffic then stated gazing around restlessly. Mr. Dursley gazed at the sidewalk then jolted upright in an instant.

A large number of people were wearing the most ridiculous clothes big flashy cloaks and cartwheeling in the streets yelling for joy and all seeming to know each other.

"What stupid fashion designer did this," Mr. Dursley thought to himself then all thoughts were driven out of his mind as someone crashed into Mr. Dursley's bumper.

After ten minutes of shoving the car which would not start and getting mugged by the motorcycle gang that had crashed on to the car Mr. Dursley got to his office and focused his mind on drills.

After a nice morning of shouting at multiple employees who had decided to start an illegal drug business in the back of the office building and firing his assistant(The third one this week) Mr. Dursley spent the rest of the morning with his back to window.

Because of this he didn't notice the many owls swooping past his window and into the city and started tap dancing and singing in their hoots and shrieks and breathing fire. However everyone else did.

Most of them had been to lazy to go to a zoo and too soft to go camping and had never seen an owl even at night and spent the rest of the day watching and videotaping the owls and hiding in cafes from fire breathers.

Mr. Dursley saw none of this and his mind was completely on drills when at afternoon break he decided to get some exercise and jog down to the baker for a dozen donuts. On his way there he continued there his mind completely focused until he passed a group of the people wearing cloaks.

He tried to pay him no mind and continued to buy his donuts which he planned to eat right in front of his workers.

As he passed them on the way back however he overheard them say, "The Potters .. and their son Harry yeah their house totally awesome Christmas decorations…This was all Mr. Dursley heard until they started chatting about flamethrowers and axes.

Fear flooded through Mr. Dursley he ran towards his office and threatened to fire anyone who disturbed him then started dialing the number of his house before pausing finger before the call button. He probably shouldn't.

Mrs. Dursley hated her sister and they normally never talked about that side of the family. Besides it may not have been them. Potter wasn't that uncommon of a name and besides the son probably wasn't named Harry anyway.

Mr. Dursley continued on the rest of the day then hurried home. One thing that did not help his mood he noticed was the cat sitting in the same spot as this morning.

"Shoo dumb animal," Mr. Dursley nearly shouted.

The cat gave him a glare then seemed to scoff at him in an oddly human like way.

Mr. Dursley went inside and sat down for dinner. Mrs. Dursley had had a nice day .

She told him all about the neighbors problem with their daughter and how she had informed the government about the other neighbors marijuana business she found out by stalking him and that Dudley had learned new words " I won't do it, fat guy,".

After putting Dudley to bed after a huge 1 hour tantrum Mr. Dursley sat down to watch the news.

Walter Cronkite was on talking.

"Today birdwatchers report an unusual amount of owls flying in the area. Owls are usually nocturnal but it seems like no one told these guys. Additionally people report the rare fire breathing owl was seen multiple times in the country. Here is a clip from a lucky camera shot.

The screen shifted showing a city filled with normal people running away screaming from the fire breathing owls everyone except a bunch of people with cloaks.

Mr. Dursley's heart nearly stopped.

Walter continued. "And in completely unrelated news large explosions could be seen instead of rain in the skies near this rural community known as-

Mr. Dursley shut off the news . "Eh Daffodil," Mr. Dursley said nervously. "Yes Vernon ," She answered from the kitchen.

"You haven't heard from your sister have you lately," Mr. Dursley apprehensively said.

The reaction was as he feared as Mrs. Dursley dropped the box she was holding.

" No why," she said confused as after all they pretended she didn't have a sister.

"Heard some funny stuff in the news fire breathing owls, shooting stars, free health insurance thought it might be from her crowd." Mr. Dursley said.

"They have a son now, Sagittarius was it?

"Harry a nasty common name if you ask me." Mrs. Dursley said scornfully ending the conversation.

**Later-** That night as Mr. Dursley lay down trying to sleep he felt worried.

Could all this have to do with the Potters? Coul they be in some kind of trouble?

Even if it did it couldn't possibly bother him. He went to bed.

He couldn't have been more wrong.

Mr. Dursley drifted off into an uneasy sleep and outside everyone else slept.

Everything but the cat.

It stood still for an hour despite two cars nearly crashing and a fight between two owls.

It probably would have stood still all night until the man appeared. He appeared as if out of nowhere startling a man who was sweeping up leaves for some reason.

Nothing like him had ever been seen on Private Drive. He was tall thin and old wearing a robe with the faces of the moon decorating him. On his face stood a pair of glasses and a nose that looked like it had been broken twice then twisted horribly off his face and hastily mended.

He stood for a moment standing dramatically then pulled out a cigarette lighter from his robes.

I don't know where he got it as it had no pockets.

He clicked it once then all the lights but one were put out.

The man raking leaves stood up wearing a face filled with hate.

"Albus Dumbledore what luck I have for you to show up for me to kill." He reached for his pocket and was able to pull out a stick halfway until Albus pulled his stick out and turned him to a duck.

"Fancy seeing you here Professor Mcgonagall."

He turned around towards the cat but it was no longer a cat. Instead it was a three headed cow then it mutated into a dog before turning into an woman wearing a green cloak.

"Quack, Quack" The duck said then started looking for food.

" Good to see you Demeter want a duck?" Albus said picking up his transfigured opponent. "What are you doing here when you could be out celebrating I must have past eight parties in a one block radius.

"Celebrate indeed I heard the muggle news they're not complete idiots and were bound to notice something explosions, fire breathing owls people are acting like drunk idiots. And no I don't want a duck." Professor Mcgonagall said angrily. "A fine day indeed if the day HE disappears that the muggles find out about us. And the owls are nothing next to the rumors flying around."

She seemed to get to the point why she had been there the point why she had been sitting on a fence all day.

"The rumors say that, that the Potters are dead." She looked to Albus sadly. Albus nodded sadly stroking the duck's feathers and turning leaves into duck food then set it down for it to eat.

Mcgonagall gasped

"Lily and James… I can't believed it" She continued dumbstruck. "And there saying that You know who, he tried to kill little Harry. And that he tried to kill him and couldn't kill the boy and somehow the toddler somehow caused the evilest sorcerer in the world to lose his powers and he's gone.

Albus nodded depressingly then started eating candy.

"You mean he's gone? After all that death and carnage, all the misery and destruction a boy not even three years old defeated him? But how? Mcgonagall said.

"We may never know little Harry is an orphan now I've brought him to live with his Aunt and Uncle the only family he has left now.

"Them?" Mcgonagall shouted angrily. They hate the boy I've been watching them all day and they hate Harry and the Potters if you bring him here he'll suffer for his entire childhood. How can you say you care about the boy if your sentencing him to torture the rest of his life."

"It is precisely why I care about Harry that I'm doing this. Think about it Demeter famous before he can walk before he can talk he'll become a snotty brat if anyone else takes care of him. It is why I care about him I'm doing this he won't become a brat if he spends the whole of his life treated cruelly and second best." Albus said.

"Huh, pretty twisted reasoning," Mcgonagall said impatiently but won over.

"So where is he did you bring him?." She stared expectantly at Albus's nonexistent pockets.

"I sent Hagrid to get him," Albus said through a mouthful of laffy taffy.

"Is it wise to trust Hagrid with this?" Mcgonagall said questionably.

"I would trust him with my life," Albus said unwrapping a lemon drop.

"Last time you sent Hagrid to get something he ended up burning halve the city and chased by a mob of muggles with pitchforks." Mcgonagall said.

All further conversation was stopped as a huge motorcycle came out of the sky barely stopping itself from crashing into the street. On the motorcycle was a massive man about ten feet tall wearing a massive overcoat bulging with pockets. The man stood up with one hand wielding a club the size of a man and in the other a baby boy wrapped in a fluffy pink unicorn blanket.

"Hagrid good to see you," Albus said. "Where did you get the flying motorcycle"?

"Young Hideous Black lent it to me. Hagrid said.

"Any trouble on the way?" Albus asked.

"Ran into some you know who's men before meeting up with Hideous and some people tried to mug me near a pub but other then that no trouble young Harry fell asleep as we flew past Sparta.

"Why were you in Sparta Hagrid?" Mcgonagall said questioningly.

"Picking up an illegal baby three head- umm no reason,Hagrid said nervously fingering one of his pockets with a dog shaped bulge.

"Albus how are we going to explain why their nephew is randomly abandoned on their doorstep?" Mcgonagall asked.

"I've written them a letter, explaining everything," Dumbledore said pulling a letter out of his nonexistent pockets.

"You can't possibly explain all this in a single letter!" Mcgonagall said furiously.

"It'll have to do Demeter," Dumbledore said approaching the doorstep.

"What about the scar Dumbledore?" Hagrid asked handing Harry to Dumbledore.

"What scar?" Mcgonagall said rushing forward.

On Harry's face sat a little scar shaped like a lighting bolt.

"Can you do anything about it Albus?"

"Even if I could I wouldn't scars can come in handy I got a scar above my left knee that has an excellent brownie recipe on it. Albus put little Harry on the doorstep the letter clutched in his tiny little hand.

They stared at the boy for a minute then Albus said,"Come on we might as well be feasting and celebrating." The three began walking away.

"By the way Hagrid want a duck?" Albus asked before all three disappeared without a trace.

Harry slept through all of this not aware he was special not aware that he would be found by his aunt a mere five hours from now not aware that he would spend the next ten years of his life living with family that hated him or that he would be beaten to a pulp many times by his cousin not knowing that right now people were raising up their beer bottles saying "To Harry Sagittarius Potter the boy who lived."

The End

**Yay! I finished the chapter. Hopefully everyone enjoys it and keeps a look out for any other fan fiction I plan to write. (How about a Pokemon fanfiction?)**

**I would appreiciate it if anyone offers constructive criticism and I totally understand it if people flame this. (It's horrible I know.) Hopefully this gave you a laugh it was the first time I've written a parody. **

**Well see you around (digitallly) redskywalker29 out.  
**


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